I wish I was one of those people who wore their depression on their sleeves
The people who are thin, wan, tired, with dark circles for days
And I suppose, in a way, I am
I sleep more than I should, and my eyes are still sunken
My body hurts, to go with the ache I feel in my brain 
I long to be alone, even when all I want is to talk to somebody
 And if someone’s there
I smile
I joke
I jest
But I never say the truth 

please don’t leave me all alone with my thoughts

There’s a feeling of being second best
it’s absolutely crushing
being so close, yet so
so far.
It’s one thing to feel second best
in one manner
but when you feel it
in every aspect of your life
it feels like there’s nothing left
to try for 

That feeling, of being utterly alone?
I think it must be what it feels like to be drowning,
to be gasping, for air,
for someone who cares.
Nobody to talk to,
nobody to save you, 
nobody who really
wants you around.

Every man’s an island,
some large and loved
and some must just be
meant to disappear
beneath the tide
with nothing that can save it
and no map will notice it’s gone. 

I just want to tell you
to call you, even though you won’t answer the phone
and let you know
i love you, i love you, i’ve loved you
but I’m scared, I can’t do it
I can’t ruin it all with the words
that I so want to tell you
because I don’t want them to be true anymore
but they are and I need you to know
it’s been 2 years
and I’ve loved you every minute
of every day
between other boys and other girls
between the hundreds of text messages in one day
and days when we weren’t speaking
I’ve loved you
and I’m scared to admit
that I still do 

i fear oblivion
and i can’t promise to do no harm
because i want nothing more
than someone to cry when i leave
and miss me everyday i’m gone
i want people to be ever aware
of the empty space i would inhabit
i shouldn’t think of when i’m gone
but i do
because it’s so hard to imagine
anyone will care
since they don’t even care that i’m here now
i struggle and i fight and i demand to be noticed
and tears stream everytime people push me aside
because i fear oblivion
but it’s even worse that i’m experiencing it 

I want to write 
but I don’t have the words
I want to speak
but I don’t have the courage
I want you to know
but I can’t find it in me
to share
I can’t do anything but sit
and stew in my thoughts
but I can’t even make sense of those 

the one thing I want
is for someone to want me back
for somebody to be the one to text me first
for somebody to miss me when I’m gone
for somebody to tell me that they love me
platonic or not
for somebody to think about me
and text me when they do
for somebody to be the one to reach out first
for somebody to tell me they don’t want to lose me
sometimes I think the pain of wanting this
will kill me 
because it doesn’t look much like it’ll happen 

it was so easy
just a couple texts and I had him right where I wanted him
back to flirting with me
and denying his past
swearing there was no one else
I heard both sides
and I don’t know who was telling the truth
but he didn’t want her
and she was so close to throwing away
her ‘better’ choice for him
he was saying how much he wanted me
but I wouldn’t drop my standards that low

and I think you should know
that he wanted me first
the guy you ruined so much for
chose me first
you may have gotten him
but he promised me kisses
in exchange for whatever I wanted
and I told him yes, yes
but then I saw that he wasn’t what I wanted
I turned to someone else
someone who wouldn’t take two months
to finish one book
and I know about the damage he caused you
you act like I’m out to get you
like you’re so much better off than me
he still wanted me first and I said no
I have nothing to hold against you

there are moments when I realize

I have no one, I have nothing

and the best I can do as the tears fall

is catch them myself

dry my eyes

and hope no one sees

I hit play and the words of the song wash over me
and I crave you and the closeness of what we used to have
I don’t know how to have that with anybody else
and I need you
I’m scared to admit it to your face
because you don’t need me
you have plenty of others in your life
and I’m just somebody that you used to know
to quote a song with less beauty
than the one that makes me think of you

do you ever think of me?